5.30.2006
en memoriam
identity is a curious thing.
today people gathered at cookouts and parades celebrating their identities as americans, coming together to remember the fallen. every year on the same monday they reflect on those who fought wearing america's flag. that or they drink beer. lots of beer.
take a look at me eight weeks ago and ask me who i was. i'd say you were looking at a kid with dreads who likes to write, loves music, enjoys sports and is in a very happy, long-standing relationship with a very sweet girl.
about a month ago the dreads met the scissors. i would no longer be known as "that kid" around campus or on the street. that was a hard thing for me to take, but it was my decision, it was something i wanted to do. there are days that i wish i had them back, and there are days when i'm really happy with my decision to cut them. the regretful days are dwindling, which i think is a good thing.
and today i became a single man, no longer bound by those voluntary cables of monogomous courtship. i don't think it's too much to say that this wasn't my decision. it's going to be very hard for me to come to terms with, but it's something i need to do now. the tears have been cried, the hugs have been squeezed.
and she's not a wench. she's not heartless and she's not selfish. this wasn't an easy decision for her to come to, and, while it tears me up inside, while it means that maybe the most stable thing i've ever had (or what i thought the most stable) is gone, the amount of respect i have for her is immense. she's a strong person, and while she has her battles to fight, she does what she honestly and truly believes is best for her, even if it means challenging something that's been so steady - really, something assumed - for so long. that's the very definition of independence, and it deserves admiration.
she needs to be happy. she deserves it. i know, i know, i'm fulfilling every cliche in the history of breakups - "but, i just want her to be happy! even if that means with someone else..."
but listen. a relationship doesn't last 6 1/2 years without a bond forming. very little of our relationship was sexual; we connected on an emotional and personal level that an end to exclusivity could never break.
after we talked today i picked up a friend of mine and we headed over to a cookout. she was there, i knew she would be. and we all had a good time. there were times that i'd sneak a longing glance in her direction, thinking of her smiling face on a pillow next to mine, or her sleeping on a beach blanket. they're memories that aren't going anywhere.
i couldn't possibly wish ill on a person that has brought me such joy for so long, someone who has treated me better than anyone deserves. she's amazing, and she means more to me than i could write here. and while this split is far from goodbye (we'll be hanging out in mixed company this week), i think i can still wish her well.
in the interest of dodging another cliche, i won't call this a new chapter in my life (that would be trite). let's say the album's previous track has just faded out. right now i'm still in that pre-track countdown that some poorly-mixed cds have - it's called negative space. soon enough the next piece will be slowly building, and we'll see what sort of rhythms it brings (i move to boston on saturday... maybe this one will have an irish folk-punk air about it).
and who knows. maybe our song will play again. i'd really like that - i always thought we made a great duet. but for now the soliloquy will be my sound.
i suppose i'll have to see where i am a revolution from now. to be sure, today took on a new meaning. for me, memorial day will no longer be about the fallen soldiers. now it's about the memories.
today people gathered at cookouts and parades celebrating their identities as americans, coming together to remember the fallen. every year on the same monday they reflect on those who fought wearing america's flag. that or they drink beer. lots of beer.
take a look at me eight weeks ago and ask me who i was. i'd say you were looking at a kid with dreads who likes to write, loves music, enjoys sports and is in a very happy, long-standing relationship with a very sweet girl.
about a month ago the dreads met the scissors. i would no longer be known as "that kid" around campus or on the street. that was a hard thing for me to take, but it was my decision, it was something i wanted to do. there are days that i wish i had them back, and there are days when i'm really happy with my decision to cut them. the regretful days are dwindling, which i think is a good thing.
and today i became a single man, no longer bound by those voluntary cables of monogomous courtship. i don't think it's too much to say that this wasn't my decision. it's going to be very hard for me to come to terms with, but it's something i need to do now. the tears have been cried, the hugs have been squeezed.
and she's not a wench. she's not heartless and she's not selfish. this wasn't an easy decision for her to come to, and, while it tears me up inside, while it means that maybe the most stable thing i've ever had (or what i thought the most stable) is gone, the amount of respect i have for her is immense. she's a strong person, and while she has her battles to fight, she does what she honestly and truly believes is best for her, even if it means challenging something that's been so steady - really, something assumed - for so long. that's the very definition of independence, and it deserves admiration.
she needs to be happy. she deserves it. i know, i know, i'm fulfilling every cliche in the history of breakups - "but, i just want her to be happy! even if that means with someone else..."
but listen. a relationship doesn't last 6 1/2 years without a bond forming. very little of our relationship was sexual; we connected on an emotional and personal level that an end to exclusivity could never break.
after we talked today i picked up a friend of mine and we headed over to a cookout. she was there, i knew she would be. and we all had a good time. there were times that i'd sneak a longing glance in her direction, thinking of her smiling face on a pillow next to mine, or her sleeping on a beach blanket. they're memories that aren't going anywhere.
i couldn't possibly wish ill on a person that has brought me such joy for so long, someone who has treated me better than anyone deserves. she's amazing, and she means more to me than i could write here. and while this split is far from goodbye (we'll be hanging out in mixed company this week), i think i can still wish her well.
in the interest of dodging another cliche, i won't call this a new chapter in my life (that would be trite). let's say the album's previous track has just faded out. right now i'm still in that pre-track countdown that some poorly-mixed cds have - it's called negative space. soon enough the next piece will be slowly building, and we'll see what sort of rhythms it brings (i move to boston on saturday... maybe this one will have an irish folk-punk air about it).
and who knows. maybe our song will play again. i'd really like that - i always thought we made a great duet. but for now the soliloquy will be my sound.
i suppose i'll have to see where i am a revolution from now. to be sure, today took on a new meaning. for me, memorial day will no longer be about the fallen soldiers. now it's about the memories.
:: posted by Collin, 12:34 AM
